19 May 2015

Lots to process....

In 6 weeks, we will have a baby.  The biggest thing on my mind lately has been the obstetrician's appointment that was yesterday.  I didn't sleep well at all the 3 days going up to it.  I'm glad Simon was able to be there and I'm glad Felicity was at nursery.  Lots of mixed feelings.  Biggest decision was birth-plan - I went in requesting a section, due to my pain and fears about pelvic injury.  The doctor was *lovely* a real human person, and made us aware of complications a second section could present in the future.  Also reassured me strongly that this SPD is a specifically pregnancy-related condition that *will* go away after the birth - could take a matter of days, or a matter of weeks, but it goes away.  There's no medical reason they would urge a section at the moment.  They will not use chemicals to induce me, as this would be dangerous with my current scarring.  Because they will not induce me, if I haven't spontaneously gone into labor by 40 or 41 weeks, they would say that's a medical reason for another section.  So, however it goes, in 6 weeks, we will have a baby.  

I think she knew straight away that my reason for wanting a section is fear of the pain, but she didn't mention that or pass any judgement on that in any way.  I'm hurting as it is and labor is said to be one of the most painful experiences known to 'man.'  Pain+pain = lots of pain.  I think it was very mature of me to admit this fear this yesterday (even though I started crying just thinking about it!).  But maybe knowing I only have to last for 6 weeks - and not 7 or 8 more will be enough of a psychological boost.  I'm not feeling blase like I was for Felicity's birth ('well, it's going to happen anyway now, so I guess I'll just deal!')  I'm frightened.  No one can talk me off this fear because I am very rational person - I know all the logical arguments in my head and I don't want anyone - even someone with the experience of labor behind them, trying to talk away this fear.  Even the doctor admitted that I will be in both types of pain during a natural birth.  But if I can manage it, it keeps more options open in the future and I don't want to regret this decision simply because I was afraid.  

Something said at Community Group last night - you never overcome a negative attitude/habit/feeling by simply 'trying' - you have to find an overmastering positive passion to take its place.  Ultimately, that inspiration is Christ.  I'm trying to find the key to applying the gospel to this fear of pain..................  I guess............. for starters.............God only gives us grace for today.

Staying consistent and calm with F while suffering sleep deprivation and chronic pain. Isn't. always. easy.  She's 3 and testing the boundaries.  She has selective hearing.  She gets the bulk of her schedule and discipline from me.  I feel like a broken record when I'm getting her dressed in the morning.  ('Come here. Come here. Come here and put your knickers on.  No!  Come back and put your trousers on.  What do you do when Mommy calls you?  That's right.  Come here now.')  She's started hitting me when she doesn't like what I'm telling her.  I'm having to speak very carefully and I am only using spanking as a last resort so that it results in *resolution* rather than *escalation* of the confrontation.  At night, her goal of having 3 stories read to her can usually speed up teeth-brushing, pajama-donning, medicine-taking, bath-taking, etc.etc, ('Well, if you don't come now, you'll only have 2 stories. OK, I guess we're only having 2 stories.  Well, come here now then.') but I still feel it's a bit of a cop-out/bribe.  And she shouldn't be obeying because she wants something, she should obey because it's the right thing to do.  I also am having to be careful with my temper, as it is very easy to flare up when she does something like hit me - while I need to make sure she knows hitting is absolutely unacceptable, she will only learn the fear of man if I use my anger as a weapon against her.  At the risk of sounding really sorry for myself - the reality is that me getting 3 or 4 consecutive hours of sleep is a *really good* night right now, and even that doesn't happen consistently.  Yes.  So as before, grace for the day.

Laughing - at latenighthashtags, with Simon, with F, at myself.  Laughing is good.  The Dadvice hashtags, the 'oopsmybad' and 'Iusedtothink' have all been pretty darn funny.  Simon and I have had the opportunity to go out for lunch together, by ourselves, twice this week!  I've enjoyed his company and we've laughed a lot.  Good to be remember that we still actually like eachother.  Felicity makes me laugh every day.  This morning she was talking cute baby-talk to my tummy, and kissing 'my baby brother.'  I should try to get a video of this adorable affection.

Another medicine episode from my roller coaster day yesterday.  It was probably the sleep deprivation of the nights before, but everything was either making me laugh or tear-up yesterday.  We gave F the last dose of one of her prescription heart medicines yesterday at lunchtime, but I wasn't worried because I had called in the medicine last week.  It usually only takes 4-5 days and I expected it to be in the pharmacy.  It wasn't.  The pharmacist was so apologetic, but it wasn't her fault, and nothing could be done.  

So, I called the Sick Kids, expecting to have to take F up to Accidents and Emergencies around her medicine time last night (ugh, 8pm - 9pm when she ought to be in bed) and expected to have to take her again this morning for her morning dose, until a new bottle could be arranged from their on-site pharmacy.....

However, the people I spoke to on the phone (both of them) were soooo articulate and kind.  Sometimes I get these troll-like people and I feel like I'm speaking a foreign language with them.  They managed to catch their pharmacy team before they left for the day, and they left the bottle for us at main reception within seriously, like 20 minutes.  All I had to do was drive up and pick it up.  *Amazing* and so so so appreciated.  And now we have plenty of medicine again.  

I was feeling so fragile emotionally and I feel like God protected me and caused so many *kind* people to cross my path yesterday, even under stressful circumstances.  Very humbling!    

Community group and trying to stay connected to people.  Understanding that though my issues are looming large in my own mind right now, everyone is dealing with something that is equally important to them.  How to authentically let people in?  

Feeling frustrated with the beautiful weather - I have time but I haven't been in my garden a bit.  I want to walk around Dalkeith Country Park.  I want to weed the flowerbeds, the strawberries and mow the lawn.  I'm hoping this season will make me appreciate movement more in the future.  I want to be fit again.

Reading the Odyssey.  Really reading it.  I started it halfway through when Odysseus arrives on Ithaca - read to the end, then looped back around again - now I'm back where I 'started' and I might just keep going.  \I was reading it in the bathroom the other night while keeping an eye on F's bath, and she wanted me to read it to her.  I was at the part where Odysseus sets sail to the underworld to consult Tiresius, the prophet.  I edited out the goriest analogies and scariest parts.  When I stopped reading aloud (to go faster - saying the words slows me down), she said 'Keep reading! Tell me!'

My to-do list.  It's double-sided right now.  I wrote it down because I need help with a lot of it.  Simon has been working so hard and he's trying to beat deadlines both at work and with the app stuff.  It's hard for me to ask him to do any more than the bare minimum of what's absolutely needed.  Practical lessons for me in communication, forbearance, prioritizing and letting go. 

Whooping cough vaccination this afternoon.  Documentary about nutrition, especially dangers of refined sugar and refined carbs. Shorter catechism. Teaching a 3 year old about appropriate touch.  Packing hospital bags.  Meal planning and tesco deliveries.  How to plan an study/office space....these are headings maybe for the next train of thought!

PS.  F is blowing zerberts on my arm, giggling and then saying, 'hehe....my voice is a little bit SCRUBBY!'