29 April 2015

Dear SPD,

You have been my growing companion for 5 months and you are still scheduled to stay for another 2 months until the end of June.  I remember when you came to visit during my pregnancy with F, and I was so happy to wish you on your way after her birth.  While I can appreciate the fortitude you are teaching me, I am also tired of your constant complaints and restrictions.  You feel like glass in my joints when I walk and a constant heavy ache when I'm trying to lay down and sleep.  You give knife stabs up the right hand side of my back.  You've actually made me cry.  You make leaning down even just to get dressed almost impossible.  I breathe out pain when I get in and out of the car.  I am sad when I cannot sit on the floor to play with my daughter, even when she says 'pleassssee Mommy?'  I am frustrated when I cannot move normal things around the house -laundry baskets, the vacuum cleaner, the recycling, my rolling briefcase.  You exhaust me from constant pain as well as just normal pregnancy.

My husband is willing to help.  He is a hardworking guy and I feel bad that he is having to take on the role of 'carer' as well as all of his other roles.  SPD, you're not a welcome visitor.

I spent time last night reading about you, because I'm trying to decide between a voluntary c-section (if that's an option) and 'normal' labor.  Some people have hurt their pelvises in the latter and SPD, I do not want to you move in permanently, especially when I have a newborn and a 3 year old to look after.  However, a c-section is abdominal surgery that carries more risks than 'natural' birth, has it's own after-effects, may make establishing breastfeeding harder, may make any future pregnancies harder...of course, natural birth is preferable.  On the other hand, there is no guarantee a natural birth would go to plan anyway, and worse case scenario, I could be faced with an exhausting ordeal, stitches, pelvic injury and an emergency c-section anyway in spite of it all.  So I'd be looking at caring for my family exhausted, stitched up, and dealing with pelvic injury.

SPD, you are complicating this choice considerably.  You are stressing me out.

I am a strong and capable woman and I'm not afraid of your pain though I resent the way you impose yourself on my work and my family life.  I remind myself to stay calm as I slow down to your crawling pace.  I know this is not me.  I know this is not even the pregnancy.  This is just your ugly reality, SPD.  You may have my body right now - but I'm not buying the lies you're telling me about myself.  This is temporary - you will die at the end of this ordeal.

And I will be able to walk with my own swing and rhythm, and go up and down the stairs and tidy the house quickly, and carry kids/laundry/suitcases/briefcases anywhere, and roll over in bed without waking up in pain, and run with F at the park, and take very very long walks on the weekend with S and F, and stand on one leg just for the heck of it, and wear high heeled shoes, and even jump on the bed if I feel like it.

So there, SPD.  Enjoy your visit, but get ready to pack your bags.