21 April 2015

The Tuesday I've been dreading...

I have no reason to complain because the holidays here are ridiculously generous, but I confess to an irrational fear every time I go back to work.  I cannot believe how fast the Easter holidays flew past and that today was actually the day I have been dreading since *before* the holidays started.  And it was today.

I was especially nervous about today after this weekend where I was very sore, tired and out of it.  I was in bed most of Sunday.  I walked about half an hour on Saturday in the Botanics and was completely exhausted after that.  I've been thinking - oh no, if this is how I'm not-managing when I'm not at work, what's it going to be like when I am back at work?

Yesterday I was also worried because I hadn't been feeling the baby moving as much as I'm used to.  I noticed the difference on Sunday evening and was vaguely worried through Monday.  There's a lot of literature I've been given about taking note of the baby's movements and to get in touch with the professionals if the movement stops or slows down over a course of a couple of days.  So, yesterday afternoon when I still wasn't feeling much, I called up the midwives, who told me to call the Royal, who sent me to triage/day assessment (the equivalent of the ante-natal ER.)  Fortunately my friend M was off work and was able to chum me to help look after F in the waiting room.  After about 45 min I found myself once again strapped up to an ante-natal heart monitor.  The doctor came to talk to me about the weird crampy tummy pain I'd been having.  They also did a quick scan to check the fluid around the baby.  Wow - not really the way I'd anticipated spending my last day of vacation!  But Simon caught the bus to the hospital after work, found me in the ward and drove us all home after. Everything seems normal with the baby - heart rate completely fine - I found myself relaxing just listening to the lovely sound of a good, steady heartbeat.  They monitored a whole sleep/waking cycle for him on the heart monitor until the movements became nice and obvious again.

So after yesterday, I've been especially dreading today.

Yet, it's actually been a really good day at work - especially for a Tuesday.  Got to work in plenty of time, felt confident and felt like I got a lot of good work done with the teaching.  I actually really love my job.  Sun was shining brightly all day -- the change of the weather from the autumn to the spring is really remarkable.  It is *amazing* how much more awake I feel in the spring and summer months after work, just seeing the sunshine!

I was feeling so good after work and it was so nice outside, I considered taking F down to Portobello beach for a little walk after I picked her up.  Ironically, as she'd been outdoors playing most of the day at nursery (I noticed with satisfaction that they'd slathered her up with sunscreen!) she was too tired to go and begged to just watch Winnie the Pooh in 'her little nest.'  (The single air-mattress we have in the corner of our room made up as a bed for her to sleep in when she's scared at night.)

She has *really* connected with Winnie the Pooh these days.  They've put the original Disney cartoon (from 1977) on Netflix - it's the same one I remember growing up watching.  It's nice to have something like that which I feel safe leaving her to watch- there's nothing particularly scary in it and nothing objectionable.  She's such a sponge.  I've been asking her to tell me what happens to Pooh bear and it's sweet the things she remembers.  'Pooh got stuck in Rabbit's hole!'  'Rabbit got lost in the woods!'  And she's been singing the Winnie the Pooh song and asking me to sing the 'Deep in the 100 arce wood, where Christopher Robin plays.....' part.  I've been catching her acting out some of the stories/characters with her toys.  It's cute.  We're trying to limit TV watching to just once a day though!

So, I'm thankful for today.  *deep breath*  I keep praying that I'll live out of a Spirit of power, love and self-control and not a spirit of fear.  And then I'm given strength which shows me I don't need to let fear control me.  And I feel a bit silly for worrying about days like today before they even happen.  So, very thankful.