This time of year is weird. The weather is changing. The seasons are changing. The days are getting palpably shorter. I remember October being one of my favorite months in Texas - it meant birthdays and cooler weather. Here, it's also like a deep breath before a plunge. The darkness returns.
I was describing this almost claustrophobic feeling to my mom-friends at explorers last Wednesday. 'Like we're tottering over the edge of the abyss of winter...' (might have been my exact words - and I meant it sincerely .... I guess Felicity gets her over-dramatics honestly....)
I've been getting flashes of crazy and brilliant things to do. This morning I told Simon I want to go to London and visit the British Museum. And in a flash of about 2 seconds, I pictured: the train journey with 2 kids, the taxi-ride to a hotel, the overnight stint with two kids in a strange room, the slow walk to the museum, the arrival at the hollowed halls and then the certainty that I would have 1/3rd of an eye on the exhibit and more than 2/3rds of an eye on the toddler dashing around the priceless wonders....and yet, I still wanted to do it?
And then I pictured just packing up T and F while Simon is at work this week and taking them down to North Yorkshire and visiting Riveaux Abbey and Fountains Abbey again. Going to Harlow Carr gardens and visiting Harrowgate. James Herriot country.
We drove out to Vogerie Park this morning and had a good hour and a half walk up and down the valley there. Simon and I used to walk there all the time, and I can't remember the last time we'd actually done the walk. There's a bench across the Tyne valley where they have cleared the trees and you can see the layers of trees and leaves going all the way up the opposite glen. I always feel it's too far to walk, and *much* too far to walk back, but once I am there, it is peaceful and beautiful and a release. Today Felicity was tired tired hungry got up too early tired and I was worried about her because I didn't have a snack or drink in my bag. She'd walked the whole first 45 minutes herself and had to walk back too. So as we sat on the bench, I asked her to imagine a huge brachiosaurous crashing and thundering up over the tops of the tall tall trees across from us. Wouldn't that be something? Titus was asleep in the sling the entire walk, thank goodness! Two crying kids would have done me in.
We spent this afternoon in the livingroom watching star trek. Or, 'the robot and the doctor' as Felicity calls it. (Yes, next generation - don''t know why she's identified so much with Data and Crusher.) Simon finished putting the fascias on the wooden blinds and I've been working on my chair upholstery project.
Tonight was more of a struggle getting the kids in bed. F was too tired and chose not to eat much dinner, so very fractious until she fell asleep. T is fighting off a cold, immunizations, gas and possibly teething....it's a hard life being a baby. I was going to try to just get out to the grocery store once they were in bed (ha - does it *show* that I'm just wanting to *get out* anywhere?) but I've almost tidied the livingroom and put away the laundry and I think I should just go to bed.
Titus is still waking regularly at 1:30/2am, 3am-ish, 5/6am-ish for milk. Sometimes he also has a feed at 11:30-ish. Felicity's night time wakings have punctuated this rhythm. I was going insane last week wondering how we can deal with her sleep issues. The clock is helping her not come in too early, but she's still calling and waking us up in the night regularly. So, the new idea is that 1) If she *chooses* to leave her room before the sun on her clock is on, we will have no choice but to put up a baby-gate (and we don't really want to do that.) And 2) if she *chooses* to make a lot of noise and wake us up for no really good reason at night, we will have to close her bedroom door (and we don't want to have to do that either.) So far, these two consequences have been very effective deterrents. I'm determined to stick with this for the next 2-3 weeks until the idea has sunk in. She has to learn to sleep independently. I'm being very clear that we can't wait to cuddle her in the morning when the sun comes up, but nighttime is not cuddle time!
I'm hoping this lingering sense of being sub-human is just the effects of little sleep, an oncoming cold, and the onset of shorter, dimmer days. Restlessness. I've been praying a lot. I've been watching the St. John movie (the book of John read out by a narrator and played by actors). I've been trying to read Everyday Church. I feel like my bank account of grace is balancing at the red - as soon as I have some, I have to spend it....or I'm spending grace I don't feel like I've really received yet. Anything good coming out of me right now is just passing through me like a conduit, because I am empty and running on empty. 'Come to me all who are heavy laden and I will give you rest.... Those who drink the water I will give them will never thirst, will become streams of water welling up within them.... Take my yoke upon you and learn from me....' these sayings I never understood or appreciated when I was younger. A moon reflecting the light of the sun, though completely dark and in darkness itself.
Too honest maybe, but there it is. I'll live to laugh at this another day.
 |
| At Vogerie House. |
 |
| My great big girl. So proud of her. |
No comments:
Post a Comment