4 June 2015

Processing....

Been re-reading Ina May Gaskin's 'Guide to Childbirth' with Simon.  It's heavy on the 'natural birth' side of things, but also strangely reassuring to hear the stories of what the female body is capable of.  I was impressed by this book before F, so I wanted Simon to know her theories/principles/strategies for birth before we're actually booking into the labor ward.  It's been good to hear Simon read it to me - his voice and interpretation is filtering out some of the unease I feel about the subject - unease both facing an upcoming birth and remembering F's delivery.

I also read Ina May's Guide to Breastfeeding this week.  It was an excellent book, though I have mixed feelings about the topic.  I believe that it is better for the baby than formula, more immediate hence:convenient, more economical, etc., etc.  If you're able to exclusively breastfeed, you have a lot less kit to worry about sterilizing, preparing infant formula, making bottles at night, boiling kettles, packing diaper bags, oi veh!  I remember running into a grocery store for an emergency prepackaged formula when the formula I'd brought with me had been out too long.  Stressful!  However, I really hated breastfeeding F.  Ugh, just the thought of doing it again makes my stomach a bit squeamish.  I felt really really guilty at the time when I had so much trouble breastfeeding and when I eventually gave it up.  (Though I was so happy to give it up at the time!)

The book was a really good read though.  It has a lot of good trouble-shooting pointers - I'll be using it as a reference guide.  It was also sad reading about what's 'normal' - even for a 'normal' hospital birth and comparing it to what we experienced with F's birth.  Over and over, when she said, '__________ can affect breastfeeding...' I realized 'Oh, that's what happened to us...' and so no wonder F and I struggled with it - we were really fighting upstream the whole way to get established.

So I feel I've weirdly been through a mini-process of grieving my memories from 3 years ago.  Sounds melodramatic perhaps, but I think just realizing and acknowledging - 'yeah, that was tough. That didn't go the way I wanted it to.  I wish I had known about _______ before we were faced with these decisions' is really valuable for moving forward.  I'm grateful for the time I've had to read and think about things this week.  If nothing else, it gives me some space to say, 'If I have the choice, this is what I would like to happen, but I realize that I may not have the choice when the time comes.  And I'm okay with that.'

I had a good talk to the midwife on Tuesday.  She won't be at the hospital, but she's the one who has been monitoring me.  The OB/gyn has told me I'm going to have an IV and constant monitoring in case anything happens and we need emergency surgery.  It was reassuring to ask the midwife what that monitoring usually looks like, and what facilities would be available in the labor ward.  The rooms are private and en suite/shower - that's major.  I'll be able to move around the room if I choose.  I will have a midwife there monitoring constantly, but she'll only bring in other staff if there's an emergency.  (And the midwife said, 'And if you need intervention, there will be intervention - they will act and debrief you after' - this is also reassuring, though I hope it won't be necessary.)  A birth pool might be available - but because of my SPD, they have to assess my mobility when I'm booking into the hospital.  It would depend on whether I was able to get out quickly enough in an emergency situation.  It also seems that they routinely support as little intervention as possible - so normally they don't clamp and cut the cord immediately.  Normally, they would wait at least an hour before taking the baby off to be cleaned up/weighed.  Normally, the baby stays with you the whole hospital stay.  These are all things I was prepared to fight for after my reading this week, and it's reassuring to know that I wouldn't have to fight for them, as long as everything goes 'normally.'

so yes.  Processing.